TOILETS ON RAMPAGE

An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder

The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.

One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.

'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'

Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.

A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.

Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.

A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.

Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.

EARTH HAS ONLY DAYS LEFT !

A gigantic meteorite is on a collision course with earth and is expected to wipe it out in the next 6 days or so. Barack Obama Bin Laden reassured the planet “there’s no cause for alarm, we’ll just all have to close our eyes and hold our breath”. “The meteor is expected to hit at around 8:20pm GMT so we’ll still all get to watch Eastenders before we are all blown into oblivion” said the U.S. leader.
The E.U. are however looking to take some action “We are constructing a giant coil spring around the med spanning Spain, Morocco, Tunisia, Libya, Turkey, Italy and Belgium.” Said Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlusconi. Scientists say the coil should dampen the impact and hopefully bounce the meteorite towards the sun. “We estimate that our planet will be saved, we’ll just have to learn how to cope with temperatures of -500 oC and total darkness for 1000 years.” Said Noel Chancet, the scientist leading the project from Antwerp.

EXPLODING MICE NOT A MYTH!

By our chief scientific writer, Jimothy Timmington.

The exploding mice debate rages on, however, it is believed that scientists have at last perfected an explosion-proof rodent from their laboratory in Milford Haven.

Acting without a thought for their own safety, doctors have been working round the clock in very dangerous conditions, in a desperate bid to guarantee the safety of a worried public.

It appears that a cure may now be literally hours away, as the world holds its breath and awaits the results of what, if successful, could potentially be the saviour of mankind.

'We can only pray' said a prominent vicar yesterday, and a politician, who cannot be named for legal reasons, also got his name in the limelight when he added 'These are troubling times. Only when a remedy is found, fully tested and proven successful, can we begin to rebuild a better Britain and move forward together.' He then went off to fiddle his taxes.

A spokesman for some institute or other commented 'Exploding mice? Who ever heard of such rubbish?' He was last seen entering the top secret laboratory and minutes later, his screams could be heard as his body was blown 200 feet into the air.

'We do not want to create a widespread panic' said Normandy veteran Donal O'Donalduck 'This is obviously a very dangerous situation. We shall just have to wait and see what the test results show'.

Somebody else who we couldn't contact was unavailable for comment. Those we did contact said something entirely different in the interview, so we made this crap up because it sounded better.

Missing Student is Found ALIVE !

A 19 year old student, Jonesy Nile, was found alive yesterday, to the relief of his parents and his friend John, who he owed a tenner to.

"I was in the city of Exeter and decided to go to the walkabout with my mate John" said the gaunt and scratched Jonesy "I borrowed a tenner, had some 4X's and before I knew it I was in a bush",

Jonesy Nile was able to survive in the dense bush for 12 days, living off crisp packets, fag ends and hedgehogs, explaining the amount of scratches around his mouth.

"We were worried that Jonesy had left his wallet, iPod, friend, $10,000 in travellers cheques, mobile phone and passport at the walkabout bar" said his dad "You shouldn't go off without your phone, what an idiot".

CURE FOR SWINE FLU !!

Practitioners, scientists and drug companies today have revealed the 100% proof cure for Swine Flu.
Wine, Beer and Spirits have been revealed as the one stop cure that will see the survival of the human race.
“I find a Shiraz does the trick” said entomologist Herman Drunk “although if the virus has taken grip one must take a higher dose of the antiviral solution”.
The cure is thought to have some minor side effects “a headache (migraine if you’re a woman) or sickness has been experienced.” Said Lorrenzo Vino, Chemist at Boots, Oxford Street “If high doses of the antiviral solution are taken in the afternoon or early evening then there are some significant money loss effects normally constituting of Kebabs, night club entrance fees and cab journeys”. The government’s health minister is excited by the news “It is important that we all protect ourselves from this killer disease, make mine a Pint” said Andy Burnem MP.

VIALGRA RECORD SALES !!

Vialgra made Algra International a whopping $5BILLION in revenue in May. "The recession has forced people to go back to basics to entertain themselves" said Algra's Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll Consultant, Austin Powers.

The British government however raised concerns of the potential population explosion "This financial gain for Algra could cost the country billions!" said Cabinet Minister Hariet Herman "Have they thought about the effect on maternity support, nipple cream and nursery care? And the follow on effect on our schools, off licences and prisons". Once calmed down from her outburst, Herman admitted "but Vialgra has had a huge impact on our home life".

ALGRA BUYS LONDON

Algra is very happy to announce that it today has completed negotiations with Elizabeth II, Gordon Brown, Boris Johnson and Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk and has secured the freehold on the city of London. "Everyone who currently owns freehold property within the boundaries of the M25 will now be leasehold" said Algra CEO Mr McClintock. "There will be no change to life in this great city".
The news was accompanied by an exciting maintenance and service plan being revealed by Algra International. The plan will revitalise the city of London and is partly funded by an additional 50% to Council Tax, the remainder being funded by the popular London Tax coming in next year on all incomes and products sold in the capital.

More news to follow on this breaking story ...........