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Monday, 26 October 2009
Saturday, 3 October 2009
ALGRA promises to gently clean up the streets
By our Crime correspondent... Laura Norder
ALGRA holdings plc have today pledged to rid our streets of crime in a £50 billion campaign to clean up Great Britain, wiping the filth from our streets and making it safe once again for old ladies to walk unmolested in this once great nation.
In the first of a six part plan, all the prisons in the UK will be set on fire by the victims of crime and secondly, the city of Manchester and its inhabitants, will be destroyed by surprise controlled detonation.
Our aim is to rid this land of the scourge of filth and corruption infesting our streets, said Jim Nasium, the head of ALGRA International (Fiji) Plc. We will start with the Labour Government, as they got us into this mess.
Stage 3 is the systematic annihilation of anyone that we don't like, or who has a 'funny' face. This leads to step 4, which involves the nuclear destruction of Hull.
Finally, step 5, will be harsh laws, brought in to adopt a new system in the UK, where everyone is equal, except for those of you we don't like, and who have failed to have to have been terminated in step 3, in which case you will be tied up in a black bag and dumped in the Channel.
Finally finally, step 6: the final solution, where anyone failing to comply with the new regime will be shot. No more soft sentences, no more lousy do gooding lefty human rights campaigners, no more out of touch judges. Repeat offenders will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Hanging is for a first offence, followed by drawing and quartering, and that's just for dropping a crisp packet out of a window.
ALGRA holdings plc have today pledged to rid our streets of crime in a £50 billion campaign to clean up Great Britain, wiping the filth from our streets and making it safe once again for old ladies to walk unmolested in this once great nation.
In the first of a six part plan, all the prisons in the UK will be set on fire by the victims of crime and secondly, the city of Manchester and its inhabitants, will be destroyed by surprise controlled detonation.
Our aim is to rid this land of the scourge of filth and corruption infesting our streets, said Jim Nasium, the head of ALGRA International (Fiji) Plc. We will start with the Labour Government, as they got us into this mess.
Stage 3 is the systematic annihilation of anyone that we don't like, or who has a 'funny' face. This leads to step 4, which involves the nuclear destruction of Hull.
Finally, step 5, will be harsh laws, brought in to adopt a new system in the UK, where everyone is equal, except for those of you we don't like, and who have failed to have to have been terminated in step 3, in which case you will be tied up in a black bag and dumped in the Channel.
Finally finally, step 6: the final solution, where anyone failing to comply with the new regime will be shot. No more soft sentences, no more lousy do gooding lefty human rights campaigners, no more out of touch judges. Repeat offenders will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Hanging is for a first offence, followed by drawing and quartering, and that's just for dropping a crisp packet out of a window.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Tipp-Ex sniffers get White Noses
A new health warning has been issued today from medical officials against rapid white correction fluid abuse. "The nasal area becomes faded and white, causing a bad impression with work colleagues" said head of government hospitals Prof. Blanc Eraser. "Also there are side effects known in the industry as white finger and white drippy stains" announced the Albino professor. 
Law enforcement have introduced a crackdown on rapid white correction fluid abusers "We can shine a special 20 kW torch into the faces of unsuspecting party goers. The tipp-ex can be seen around the nose, mouth and ear areas." said Head of the metropolitan police Poorl Condom. "Anyone who has been tested will know about it due to the badly burnt face and instant blindness caused by the 20 kW torch".
Law enforcement have introduced a crackdown on rapid white correction fluid abusers "We can shine a special 20 kW torch into the faces of unsuspecting party goers. The tipp-ex can be seen around the nose, mouth and ear areas." said Head of the metropolitan police Poorl Condom. "Anyone who has been tested will know about it due to the badly burnt face and instant blindness caused by the 20 kW torch".
Sunday, 26 July 2009
TOILETS ON RAMPAGE
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.
Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
Friday, 17 July 2009
EARTH HAS ONLY DAYS LEFT !
A gigantic meteorite is on a collision course with earth and is expected to wipe it out in the next 6 days or so. Barack Obama Bin Laden reassured the planet “there’s no cause for alarm, we’ll just all have to close our eyes and hold our breath”. “The meteor is expected to hit at around 8:20pm GMT so we’ll still all get to watch Eastenders before we are all blown into oblivion” said the U.S. leader.The E.U. are however looking to take some action “We are constructing a giant coil spring around the med spanning Spain, Morocco, Tunisia, Libya, Turkey, Italy and Belgium.” Said Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlusconi. Scientists say the coil should dampen the impact and hopefully bounce the meteorite towards the sun. “We estimate that our planet will be saved, we’ll just have to learn how to cope with temperatures of -500 oC and total darkness for 1000 years.” Said Noel Chancet, the scientist leading the project from Antwerp.
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
EXPLODING MICE NOT A MYTH!
By our chief scientific writer, Jimothy Timmington.
The exploding mice debate rages on, however, it is believed that scientists have at last perfected an explosion-proof rodent from their laboratory in Milford Haven.
Acting without a thought for their own safety, doctors have been working round the clock in very dangerous conditions, in a desperate bid to guarantee the safety of a worried public.
It appears that a cure may now be literally hours away, as the world holds its breath and awaits the results of what, if successful, could potentially be the saviour of mankind.
'We can only pray' said a prominent vicar yesterday, and a politician, who cannot be named for legal reasons, also got his name in the limelight when he added 'These are troubling times. Only when a remedy is found, fully tested and proven successful, can we begin to rebuild a better Britain and move forward together.' He then went off to fiddle his taxes.
A spokesman for some institute or other commented 'Exploding mice? Who ever heard of such rubbish?' He was last seen entering the top secret laboratory and minutes later, his screams could be heard as his body was blown 200 feet into the air.
'We do not want to create a widespread panic' said Normandy veteran Donal O'Donalduck 'This is obviously a very dangerous situation. We shall just have to wait and see what the test results show'.
Somebody else who we couldn't contact was unavailable for comment. Those we did contact said something entirely different in the interview, so we made this crap up because it sounded better.
By our chief scientific writer, Jimothy Timmington.
The exploding mice debate rages on, however, it is believed that scientists have at last perfected an explosion-proof rodent from their laboratory in Milford Haven.
Acting without a thought for their own safety, doctors have been working round the clock in very dangerous conditions, in a desperate bid to guarantee the safety of a worried public.
It appears that a cure may now be literally hours away, as the world holds its breath and awaits the results of what, if successful, could potentially be the saviour of mankind.
'We can only pray' said a prominent vicar yesterday, and a politician, who cannot be named for legal reasons, also got his name in the limelight when he added 'These are troubling times. Only when a remedy is found, fully tested and proven successful, can we begin to rebuild a better Britain and move forward together.' He then went off to fiddle his taxes.
A spokesman for some institute or other commented 'Exploding mice? Who ever heard of such rubbish?' He was last seen entering the top secret laboratory and minutes later, his screams could be heard as his body was blown 200 feet into the air.
'We do not want to create a widespread panic' said Normandy veteran Donal O'Donalduck 'This is obviously a very dangerous situation. We shall just have to wait and see what the test results show'.
Somebody else who we couldn't contact was unavailable for comment. Those we did contact said something entirely different in the interview, so we made this crap up because it sounded better.
Missing Student is Found ALIVE !
A 19 year old student, Jonesy Nile, was found alive yesterday, to the relief of his parents and his friend John, who he owed a tenner to.
"I was in the city of Exeter and decided to go to the walkabout with my mate John" said the gaunt and scratched Jonesy "I borrowed a tenner, had some 4X's and before I knew it I was in a bush",
Jonesy Nile was able to survive in the dense bush for 12 days, living off crisp packets, fag ends and hedgehogs, explaining the amount of scratches around his mouth.
"We were worried that Jonesy had left his wallet, iPod, friend, $10,000 in travellers cheques, mobile phone and passport at the walkabout bar" said his dad "You shouldn't go off without your phone, what an idiot".
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