A faulty ringpull on a can of Fanta orange has delayed Algra Enterprises plc's planned research probe to the moon.
The take off, planned for 08.00 hours on Saturday, was called off at the last second, amidst tremendous excitement at Cape Canaveral, Florida, when it was discovered that the offending item, a ringpull from a rusty can of sugary drink was to blame for blowing the space shuttle apart as it stood on the launchpad.
As parts of the shuttle were blown some 800 miles in all directions, ALGRA International are pleased to confirm that the can has been recovered and is subject to extensive tests in our Streatham laboratory, although the pilots and crew are still missing.
The can, forming an integral part of the shuttle's hydraulic system, was found to be at fault and repeatedly kicked around the laboratory, as this has cost Algra's space program an estimated £960,000,000,000 in lost revenue and is expected to have severe repercussions on the worlds financial markets, particularly sugar beet and coco-pops.
The shuttle was due to reach the moon at 09.35 on Sunday morning GMT, with a view to establishing a permanent base on the far side of the moon. Speaking before the explosion which earned his status as 'first man launched into space without a protective suit or spaceraft', Commander Ed Scratcher, 48, a retired plumber from Bognor, said he was delighted at being selected for this mission from a list of candidates, including a NASA pilot, a Woolworths check out girl and a one legged gorilla called Harry
'It was Algras' inaugural flight', said Mr Scratcher, a keen gardener. 'Establishing a permanent base on the moon would've created strong bonds between the worlds cultures and there would have been peace everywhere'. Now there are just pieces everywhere, but at least we found the tin of Fanta.
Monday 30 May 2011
Monday 2 May 2011
Algra International Reveals Royal Honeymoon Location !!
We can reveal that Prince William and Princess Catherine are honeymooning in Torquay !!
Yes it's true, the Royals are staying at the top notch Hotel The Imperial in Torquay and expected to relax by visiting remote locations such as Bohemia and The Clock Tower Pub.
"The Prince is a fan of HMV and Hawkins Bazaar" said a royal Aide so the couple are expected to shop on Fleet Street during their stay.
The Couple arrived yesterday and are expected to move on to The Langstone Cliff Hotel, Dawlish next Wednesday.
Keep checking here for the latest royal movements !!
Monday 26 October 2009
HELP THE VIRGIN!
Algra Holdings Plc is proud to sponsor 'likeavirgin.com', in which several 40 something ladies will have the opportunity to advertise online through our website and meet like minded individuals.
More on this breaking story as soon as we've made it up.
More on this breaking story as soon as we've made it up.
Saturday 3 October 2009
ALGRA promises to gently clean up the streets
By our Crime correspondent... Laura Norder
ALGRA holdings plc have today pledged to rid our streets of crime in a £50 billion campaign to clean up Great Britain, wiping the filth from our streets and making it safe once again for old ladies to walk unmolested in this once great nation.
In the first of a six part plan, all the prisons in the UK will be set on fire by the victims of crime and secondly, the city of Manchester and its inhabitants, will be destroyed by surprise controlled detonation.
Our aim is to rid this land of the scourge of filth and corruption infesting our streets, said Jim Nasium, the head of ALGRA International (Fiji) Plc. We will start with the Labour Government, as they got us into this mess.
Stage 3 is the systematic annihilation of anyone that we don't like, or who has a 'funny' face. This leads to step 4, which involves the nuclear destruction of Hull.
Finally, step 5, will be harsh laws, brought in to adopt a new system in the UK, where everyone is equal, except for those of you we don't like, and who have failed to have to have been terminated in step 3, in which case you will be tied up in a black bag and dumped in the Channel.
Finally finally, step 6: the final solution, where anyone failing to comply with the new regime will be shot. No more soft sentences, no more lousy do gooding lefty human rights campaigners, no more out of touch judges. Repeat offenders will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Hanging is for a first offence, followed by drawing and quartering, and that's just for dropping a crisp packet out of a window.
ALGRA holdings plc have today pledged to rid our streets of crime in a £50 billion campaign to clean up Great Britain, wiping the filth from our streets and making it safe once again for old ladies to walk unmolested in this once great nation.
In the first of a six part plan, all the prisons in the UK will be set on fire by the victims of crime and secondly, the city of Manchester and its inhabitants, will be destroyed by surprise controlled detonation.
Our aim is to rid this land of the scourge of filth and corruption infesting our streets, said Jim Nasium, the head of ALGRA International (Fiji) Plc. We will start with the Labour Government, as they got us into this mess.
Stage 3 is the systematic annihilation of anyone that we don't like, or who has a 'funny' face. This leads to step 4, which involves the nuclear destruction of Hull.
Finally, step 5, will be harsh laws, brought in to adopt a new system in the UK, where everyone is equal, except for those of you we don't like, and who have failed to have to have been terminated in step 3, in which case you will be tied up in a black bag and dumped in the Channel.
Finally finally, step 6: the final solution, where anyone failing to comply with the new regime will be shot. No more soft sentences, no more lousy do gooding lefty human rights campaigners, no more out of touch judges. Repeat offenders will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Hanging is for a first offence, followed by drawing and quartering, and that's just for dropping a crisp packet out of a window.
Tuesday 18 August 2009
Tipp-Ex sniffers get White Noses
A new health warning has been issued today from medical officials against rapid white correction fluid abuse. "The nasal area becomes faded and white, causing a bad impression with work colleagues" said head of government hospitals Prof. Blanc Eraser. "Also there are side effects known in the industry as white finger and white drippy stains" announced the Albino professor. 
Law enforcement have introduced a crackdown on rapid white correction fluid abusers "We can shine a special 20 kW torch into the faces of unsuspecting party goers. The tipp-ex can be seen around the nose, mouth and ear areas." said Head of the metropolitan police Poorl Condom. "Anyone who has been tested will know about it due to the badly burnt face and instant blindness caused by the 20 kW torch".
Law enforcement have introduced a crackdown on rapid white correction fluid abusers "We can shine a special 20 kW torch into the faces of unsuspecting party goers. The tipp-ex can be seen around the nose, mouth and ear areas." said Head of the metropolitan police Poorl Condom. "Anyone who has been tested will know about it due to the badly burnt face and instant blindness caused by the 20 kW torch".
Sunday 26 July 2009
TOILETS ON RAMPAGE
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.
Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
Friday 17 July 2009
EARTH HAS ONLY DAYS LEFT !
A gigantic meteorite is on a collision course with earth and is expected to wipe it out in the next 6 days or so. Barack Obama Bin Laden reassured the planet “there’s no cause for alarm, we’ll just all have to close our eyes and hold our breath”. “The meteor is expected to hit at around 8:20pm GMT so we’ll still all get to watch Eastenders before we are all blown into oblivion” said the U.S. leader.The E.U. are however looking to take some action “We are constructing a giant coil spring around the med spanning Spain, Morocco, Tunisia, Libya, Turkey, Italy and Belgium.” Said Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlusconi. Scientists say the coil should dampen the impact and hopefully bounce the meteorite towards the sun. “We estimate that our planet will be saved, we’ll just have to learn how to cope with temperatures of -500 oC and total darkness for 1000 years.” Said Noel Chancet, the scientist leading the project from Antwerp.
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