TOILETS ON RAMPAGE
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.
Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
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