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More on this breaking story as soon as we've made it up.
Monday 26 October 2009
Saturday 3 October 2009
ALGRA promises to gently clean up the streets
By our Crime correspondent... Laura Norder
ALGRA holdings plc have today pledged to rid our streets of crime in a £50 billion campaign to clean up Great Britain, wiping the filth from our streets and making it safe once again for old ladies to walk unmolested in this once great nation.
In the first of a six part plan, all the prisons in the UK will be set on fire by the victims of crime and secondly, the city of Manchester and its inhabitants, will be destroyed by surprise controlled detonation.
Our aim is to rid this land of the scourge of filth and corruption infesting our streets, said Jim Nasium, the head of ALGRA International (Fiji) Plc. We will start with the Labour Government, as they got us into this mess.
Stage 3 is the systematic annihilation of anyone that we don't like, or who has a 'funny' face. This leads to step 4, which involves the nuclear destruction of Hull.
Finally, step 5, will be harsh laws, brought in to adopt a new system in the UK, where everyone is equal, except for those of you we don't like, and who have failed to have to have been terminated in step 3, in which case you will be tied up in a black bag and dumped in the Channel.
Finally finally, step 6: the final solution, where anyone failing to comply with the new regime will be shot. No more soft sentences, no more lousy do gooding lefty human rights campaigners, no more out of touch judges. Repeat offenders will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Hanging is for a first offence, followed by drawing and quartering, and that's just for dropping a crisp packet out of a window.
ALGRA holdings plc have today pledged to rid our streets of crime in a £50 billion campaign to clean up Great Britain, wiping the filth from our streets and making it safe once again for old ladies to walk unmolested in this once great nation.
In the first of a six part plan, all the prisons in the UK will be set on fire by the victims of crime and secondly, the city of Manchester and its inhabitants, will be destroyed by surprise controlled detonation.
Our aim is to rid this land of the scourge of filth and corruption infesting our streets, said Jim Nasium, the head of ALGRA International (Fiji) Plc. We will start with the Labour Government, as they got us into this mess.
Stage 3 is the systematic annihilation of anyone that we don't like, or who has a 'funny' face. This leads to step 4, which involves the nuclear destruction of Hull.
Finally, step 5, will be harsh laws, brought in to adopt a new system in the UK, where everyone is equal, except for those of you we don't like, and who have failed to have to have been terminated in step 3, in which case you will be tied up in a black bag and dumped in the Channel.
Finally finally, step 6: the final solution, where anyone failing to comply with the new regime will be shot. No more soft sentences, no more lousy do gooding lefty human rights campaigners, no more out of touch judges. Repeat offenders will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Hanging is for a first offence, followed by drawing and quartering, and that's just for dropping a crisp packet out of a window.
Tuesday 18 August 2009
Tipp-Ex sniffers get White Noses
A new health warning has been issued today from medical officials against rapid white correction fluid abuse. "The nasal area becomes faded and white, causing a bad impression with work colleagues" said head of government hospitals Prof. Blanc Eraser. "Also there are side effects known in the industry as white finger and white drippy stains" announced the Albino professor. 
Law enforcement have introduced a crackdown on rapid white correction fluid abusers "We can shine a special 20 kW torch into the faces of unsuspecting party goers. The tipp-ex can be seen around the nose, mouth and ear areas." said Head of the metropolitan police Poorl Condom. "Anyone who has been tested will know about it due to the badly burnt face and instant blindness caused by the 20 kW torch".
Law enforcement have introduced a crackdown on rapid white correction fluid abusers "We can shine a special 20 kW torch into the faces of unsuspecting party goers. The tipp-ex can be seen around the nose, mouth and ear areas." said Head of the metropolitan police Poorl Condom. "Anyone who has been tested will know about it due to the badly burnt face and instant blindness caused by the 20 kW torch".
Sunday 26 July 2009
TOILETS ON RAMPAGE
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.
Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
An increasing number of toilets are being blamed for the increasing crime rates in London, writes our crime correspondent Laura Norder
The ever growing statistics reveal penny sweets taken from cornershops and 5p coins stolen from the slot in the heads of those little plastic boy dummies outside Waitrose.
One toilet was seen keeping watch while its accomplice lit a cigarette in a non-smoking carriage of a London bound train. Feral toilets from broken homes have been seen loitering on estates & frightening old ladies by pulling their lids up as they walk by.
'This sort of thing has to stop before it escalates into violence. The government have lost control' said a senior spokesman for the water board, who cannot be named. 'Only last week some kids from my local school reported a gang of local toilets demanding money with menaces from some worried children from my sons' class.'
Threatened with 'the flush', the victims gave up their dinner money and marbles and ran home crying.
A New Labour spokesman, serving 28 years for fraud, said from his 18 bedroom, 3 storey
mansion in the costwolds' 'this is a constant reminder of the inner city violence that plagues our city'.Meanwhile in another part of London, a toilet support facility is being set up to rehabilitate wayward toilets and to allow them back into society and a toilet helpline is also available for those who feel they may have been a victim of toilet crime.
A special feature on Crimewatch this Wednesday 'Cracking down on toilets' features guest speaker, Katie Price.
Chief constable PC Helmet warns against have-a-go heroes and advises 'to stay indoors and call your local police if you see anything suspicious. These sanitary devices are dangerous and should not be approached'.
Friday 17 July 2009
EARTH HAS ONLY DAYS LEFT !
A gigantic meteorite is on a collision course with earth and is expected to wipe it out in the next 6 days or so. Barack Obama Bin Laden reassured the planet “there’s no cause for alarm, we’ll just all have to close our eyes and hold our breath”. “The meteor is expected to hit at around 8:20pm GMT so we’ll still all get to watch Eastenders before we are all blown into oblivion” said the U.S. leader.The E.U. are however looking to take some action “We are constructing a giant coil spring around the med spanning Spain, Morocco, Tunisia, Libya, Turkey, Italy and Belgium.” Said Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlusconi. Scientists say the coil should dampen the impact and hopefully bounce the meteorite towards the sun. “We estimate that our planet will be saved, we’ll just have to learn how to cope with temperatures of -500 oC and total darkness for 1000 years.” Said Noel Chancet, the scientist leading the project from Antwerp.
Wednesday 15 July 2009
EXPLODING MICE NOT A MYTH!
By our chief scientific writer, Jimothy Timmington.
The exploding mice debate rages on, however, it is believed that scientists have at last perfected an explosion-proof rodent from their laboratory in Milford Haven.
Acting without a thought for their own safety, doctors have been working round the clock in very dangerous conditions, in a desperate bid to guarantee the safety of a worried public.
It appears that a cure may now be literally hours away, as the world holds its breath and awaits the results of what, if successful, could potentially be the saviour of mankind.
'We can only pray' said a prominent vicar yesterday, and a politician, who cannot be named for legal reasons, also got his name in the limelight when he added 'These are troubling times. Only when a remedy is found, fully tested and proven successful, can we begin to rebuild a better Britain and move forward together.' He then went off to fiddle his taxes.
A spokesman for some institute or other commented 'Exploding mice? Who ever heard of such rubbish?' He was last seen entering the top secret laboratory and minutes later, his screams could be heard as his body was blown 200 feet into the air.
'We do not want to create a widespread panic' said Normandy veteran Donal O'Donalduck 'This is obviously a very dangerous situation. We shall just have to wait and see what the test results show'.
Somebody else who we couldn't contact was unavailable for comment. Those we did contact said something entirely different in the interview, so we made this crap up because it sounded better.
By our chief scientific writer, Jimothy Timmington.
The exploding mice debate rages on, however, it is believed that scientists have at last perfected an explosion-proof rodent from their laboratory in Milford Haven.
Acting without a thought for their own safety, doctors have been working round the clock in very dangerous conditions, in a desperate bid to guarantee the safety of a worried public.
It appears that a cure may now be literally hours away, as the world holds its breath and awaits the results of what, if successful, could potentially be the saviour of mankind.
'We can only pray' said a prominent vicar yesterday, and a politician, who cannot be named for legal reasons, also got his name in the limelight when he added 'These are troubling times. Only when a remedy is found, fully tested and proven successful, can we begin to rebuild a better Britain and move forward together.' He then went off to fiddle his taxes.
A spokesman for some institute or other commented 'Exploding mice? Who ever heard of such rubbish?' He was last seen entering the top secret laboratory and minutes later, his screams could be heard as his body was blown 200 feet into the air.
'We do not want to create a widespread panic' said Normandy veteran Donal O'Donalduck 'This is obviously a very dangerous situation. We shall just have to wait and see what the test results show'.
Somebody else who we couldn't contact was unavailable for comment. Those we did contact said something entirely different in the interview, so we made this crap up because it sounded better.
Missing Student is Found ALIVE !
A 19 year old student, Jonesy Nile, was found alive yesterday, to the relief of his parents and his friend John, who he owed a tenner to.
"I was in the city of Exeter and decided to go to the walkabout with my mate John" said the gaunt and scratched Jonesy "I borrowed a tenner, had some 4X's and before I knew it I was in a bush",
Jonesy Nile was able to survive in the dense bush for 12 days, living off crisp packets, fag ends and hedgehogs, explaining the amount of scratches around his mouth.
"We were worried that Jonesy had left his wallet, iPod, friend, $10,000 in travellers cheques, mobile phone and passport at the walkabout bar" said his dad "You shouldn't go off without your phone, what an idiot".
Monday 13 July 2009
CURE FOR SWINE FLU !!
Practitioners, scientists and drug companies today have revealed the 100% proof cure for Swine Flu.
Wine, Beer and Spirits have been revealed as the one stop cure that will see the survival of the human race.
“I find a Shiraz does the trick” said entomologist Herman Drunk “although if the virus has taken grip one must take a higher dose of the antiviral solution”.
The cure is thought to have some minor side effects “a headache (migraine if you’re a woman) or sickness has been experienced.” Said Lorrenzo Vino, Chemist at Boots, Oxford Street “If high doses of the antiviral solution are taken in the afternoon or early evening then there are some significant money loss effects normally constituting of Kebabs, night club entrance fees and cab journeys”. The government’s health minister is excited by the news “It is important that we all protect ourselves from this killer disease, make mine a Pint” said Andy Burnem MP.
Wine, Beer and Spirits have been revealed as the one stop cure that will see the survival of the human race.
“I find a Shiraz does the trick” said entomologist Herman Drunk “although if the virus has taken grip one must take a higher dose of the antiviral solution”.
The cure is thought to have some minor side effects “a headache (migraine if you’re a woman) or sickness has been experienced.” Said Lorrenzo Vino, Chemist at Boots, Oxford Street “If high doses of the antiviral solution are taken in the afternoon or early evening then there are some significant money loss effects normally constituting of Kebabs, night club entrance fees and cab journeys”. The government’s health minister is excited by the news “It is important that we all protect ourselves from this killer disease, make mine a Pint” said Andy Burnem MP.
Saturday 11 July 2009
VIALGRA RECORD SALES !!
Vialgra made Algra International a whopping $5BILLION in revenue in May. "The recession has forced people to go back to basics to entertain themselves" said Algra's Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll Consultant, Austin Powers.
The British government however raised concerns of the potential population explosion "This financial gain for Algra could cost the country billions!" said Cabinet Minister Hariet Herman "Have they thought about the effect on maternity support, nipple cream and nursery care? And the follow on effect on our schools, off licences and prisons". Once calmed down from her outburst, Herman admitted "but Vialgra has had a huge impact on our home life".
Wednesday 8 July 2009
ALGRA BUYS LONDON
Algra is very happy to announce that it today has completed negotiations with Elizabeth II, Gordon Brown, Boris Johnson and Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk and has secured the freehold on the city of London. "Everyone who currently owns freehold property within the boundaries of the M25 will now be leasehold" said Algra CEO Mr McClintock. "There will be no change to life in this great city".
The news was accompanied by an exciting maintenance and service plan being revealed by Algra International. The plan will revitalise the city of London and is partly funded by an additional 50% to Council Tax, the remainder being funded by the popular London Tax coming in next year on all incomes and products sold in the capital.
More news to follow on this breaking story ...........
The news was accompanied by an exciting maintenance and service plan being revealed by Algra International. The plan will revitalise the city of London and is partly funded by an additional 50% to Council Tax, the remainder being funded by the popular London Tax coming in next year on all incomes and products sold in the capital.
More news to follow on this breaking story ...........
Monday 6 July 2009
Bus Later than normal
A bus in hampshire was later than normal, local press reported yesterday. Eye witnesses noticed that certain office workers and students had been waiting for about 3 years at the bus stop.
"The bus isn't normally this late" said emulus Schroeder, university student. "I think I may have missed registration". Gulup Smith said "my boss has been very understanding. He was happy to buy me some time, but after 4 days my phone was dead so I have not been able to speak with him since". "It's lucky that my Granny lives across the street, she has been providing cups of bovril, biscuits and blankets".
Stagecoach offered it's apologies "We are doing everything we can" said busby dyree, Stagecoaches bus co-ordinator. "We have had engineers working nights to get back onto schedule" "We are very proud to have such loyal customers, and to the local paper for the free advertising, it's a shame we had to wait three years for the good press".
When asked what day the bus will actually arrive Dyree answered "no comment"
ALGRAPHONE Prototype News !
The new ALGRAPHONETM prototype has been put through it's paces at the testing labs of Algra's scientific division at Cern, Geneva. The phone boasts many new features over its predecessor APHONETM such as: Remote rocket launching, "where's my plane?" app, HD cinema standard video recording, toaster, DRIVENAVTM - you plug it in your car and it drives for you!, mug warmer - put your coffee mug on it and it will keep warm, credit card impersonator - it will scan stores for recently used credit card details and act just as that - use in bank machines and chip and pin card readers - pin number appears in large font for easier fraud, built in scanner/fax/A7 printer, stapler and flick knife.
The tests have been a success so far with no arrests, 7 minor injuries and just one fatality. Lookout for future developments and official launch expected next summer.
The tests have been a success so far with no arrests, 7 minor injuries and just one fatality. Lookout for future developments and official launch expected next summer.
Another WORLD Record !
July 02
Another World Record !!
A New world record has been entered into the Algra book of World Records today. Bernard Tete Lee managed to drink an astounding 507 mugs of tea in just 10 minutes ! Smashing Pete Gees 458 record set in 2006. This was Tete Lee's 3rd attempt at the record. Algra tried to get a comment from the hero but he has not come out of the toilets yet. He did comment on feeling all flupity when running to the loo.
Another World Record !!
A New world record has been entered into the Algra book of World Records today. Bernard Tete Lee managed to drink an astounding 507 mugs of tea in just 10 minutes ! Smashing Pete Gees 458 record set in 2006. This was Tete Lee's 3rd attempt at the record. Algra tried to get a comment from the hero but he has not come out of the toilets yet. He did comment on feeling all flupity when running to the loo.
Deep Sea exploration bid gets approval
ALGRA's new £40m project to explore the ocean depths got the thumbs up yesterday, as Oceanographers agreed to fund the latest expedition to attempt the first ever freestyle dive to the farthest reaches of the Pacific Ocean.
Speaking rom ALGRA's tiny Oahu base off Hawaii, Iron man athlete, husband, father and one-time school Prefect, Paul Smith, has agreed to be our eyes and ears as he prepares to chart previously unknown territory and map the ocean floor, equipped only with a snorkel, a pair of flippers and a pencil.
Paul, a keen contributor to ALGRA over the years, has been in training for the event for several hours, and expects to be dead within minutes of this great endeavour. Said Paul, from his Beverly Hills mansion yesterday, 'I fear not for my safety as I attempt this great challenge. Only the thought of ALGRA's continued success spurns me on'
ALGRA are most grateful to Paul for his tireless work behind the scenes since 1983 and have every confidence in Paul's ability. A spokesman for ALGRA Inc says 'Paul has true courage, the sort of courage only a man who attempts to hold his breath for seventeen hours could have'
Paul's previous attempt to swim to the Isle of Wight was aborted in 1990 as he was reported to have been eaten by a shark, however, these rumours are entirely invalid and without substance. ALGRA's board of directors said 'we will be thinking of Paul as he attempts this landmark feat' and then tucked into some egg and chips aboard their luxury yacht, moored off Greenland.
Speaking rom ALGRA's tiny Oahu base off Hawaii, Iron man athlete, husband, father and one-time school Prefect, Paul Smith, has agreed to be our eyes and ears as he prepares to chart previously unknown territory and map the ocean floor, equipped only with a snorkel, a pair of flippers and a pencil.
Paul, a keen contributor to ALGRA over the years, has been in training for the event for several hours, and expects to be dead within minutes of this great endeavour. Said Paul, from his Beverly Hills mansion yesterday, 'I fear not for my safety as I attempt this great challenge. Only the thought of ALGRA's continued success spurns me on'
ALGRA are most grateful to Paul for his tireless work behind the scenes since 1983 and have every confidence in Paul's ability. A spokesman for ALGRA Inc says 'Paul has true courage, the sort of courage only a man who attempts to hold his breath for seventeen hours could have'
Paul's previous attempt to swim to the Isle of Wight was aborted in 1990 as he was reported to have been eaten by a shark, however, these rumours are entirely invalid and without substance. ALGRA's board of directors said 'we will be thinking of Paul as he attempts this landmark feat' and then tucked into some egg and chips aboard their luxury yacht, moored off Greenland.
ALGRA INC is proud to announce plans to send their all new space cruiser back to the moon. "Collision" is set to launch next easter from Algra's very own launch pad in the salt flats of the Sahara Desert. This latest programme will see scientists and athletes carrying out "training at altitude" experiments. "You can't get any higher than the moon" said Philip Bowers, Algra spokesman. "This is the first of a series of visits, concentrating on marathon running" "we are really looking forward to getting the pole vaulters up there".
This will be Algra's third set of scientific visits to the moon, the first in 1983 searching for moomins and then the famous filming of the Wallace and Gromit's Grand Day out in 1989.
This will be Algra's third set of scientific visits to the moon, the first in 1983 searching for moomins and then the famous filming of the Wallace and Gromit's Grand Day out in 1989.
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